Dropping the shoulds, postponing the launch

I’ve felt pressured lately, dissatisfied. Anxiety began to creep up. Not the kind of state I maintain myself in usually.

It grew until I realized I created all of it by the expectations I had placed on myself and on reality. More specifically, the expectations I had regarding this site and what I considered I “should” do with it, by when.

See, I had the idea of “launching” the site this month (by “launch” I meant having all the foundational pieces together and announce the site to my different networks). I wanted it to be up and running before leaving for Tibet in May, where I’ll be spending 25 days traveling for a creative project I’m involved with. And for that I needed to complete the design, write a bunch of posts ahead of time, get clearer on the purpose and the “target audience”, the scope of the topics, etc.

That’s on top of the complete overhaul of my SleepTracks biz website I also wanted to complete before leaving for Tibet. The straightening of finances. And the tax reports.

I’m dropping it all now. Aaah.

Are you asking yourself the right questions?

The kind of questions you ask yourself determine the kind of reality you live in. If you ask should-based questions, in the like of:

• What should I do now?
• Should I do this or that at first?
• What would be best?

… Then you’ll get answers that pull different parts of you in different directions, and you’ll feel torn, in conflict with yourself. You’ll feel pressured, anxious, bounded, uneasy, at war with how your life unfolds — just like I did.

Because these questions are not all that useful. I feel stressed out, heavier when thinking them — because they presuppose there is just one correct answer. They are brewed by fear itself, and are aimed at solving a problem, not creating.

Here’s a simpler, more creative and much more useful question:

What do I want now?

No guilt, no should allowed.

Asking myself this question and sitting still with it for a few minutes showed me that:

• I want to take my time regarding what I do with this site, and keep exploring without putting unnecessary and artificial pressure on myself with deadlines and publishing calendars, at least for now.
• I want what I write here to be the embodiment of creativity, awareness and freedom in action, so I really want to maintain a spirit of open curiosity to everything I do while I develop this site, at all times. In other words, I want to keep my options open, and tinker some more.
• I really want to renovate my SleepTracks website before leaving for Tibet.
• I really want to complete my taxes and straigthen my finances also.

So there it is, all I needed to know. I can drop everything that is not aligned with what I truly want here and now:

• The idea of a launch date
• The pressure of needing to “figure things up”
• The necessity of a publishing schedule
• The necessity of devoting x amount of time every day to this project in oder to not feel guilty about it
• The need to push/coerce myself
• The fixed notion of what this will look like, by when.

I feel better, lighter, and with a renewed sense of excitement about what lies ahead. I’ll keep devoting most of my daily writing periods to the exploration of themes I’ll be talking about here eventually, and I’ll keep getting better at writing in the “blog” format in English — even if I don’t publish now.

I’ll keep jamming up ideas — just had a potentially great one this morning for an ongoing, year-long series I could be doing at some point.

But don’t wait for me! I know you aren’t, but it makes me feel lighter just to say it I’ll be there when I’ll be there, when the time has come.

What about you? What is cooking in your pot, and what questions are you asking yourself? Are these questions helpful or stressful?